my life

Transition...

2009-08-09T17:26:00.003+05:30

Again back to blogging after a good 8 months....
Stopped blogging because of this really eerie feeling, because all my blogs invariably talked about some confusion plaguing my mind, and that wasnt really my intent.
And for some reason, putting one's thoughts in words on something as public as this makes them seem quite shallow,that's not to say that I am not going to do that again.
Because thats all that I m made up of-thoughts, notions, theories and philosophies. As in I dont have much drama in life, no venomous spats with friends, no fights or flings...nothing to write of in my status updates...ostensibly nothing..
Not that I m complaining, because of all my friends who have an awesome life in college, who had a hell of a time at some newly opened hep hangout zone, or who just patched/broke up with their latest girl/boyfriend or all those adults who have a successful, sorted out life but are sore somewhat--no one really knows what they are doing...neither do I..

I am in college now, pursuing economics hons..but for some reason which eludes all logical reasoning, they are making us study hindi as well and also environmental studies in which they talk about history. Humans sure do derive some sadistic pleasure in making each other's lives complicated and difficult.
Anyways, its been a fairly smooth transition to college, got a cool bunch of friends. But its really nothing like what I had in mind, its not as cool as it is usually projected, but better than school atleast.

People are people, wherever they are, however much old or young they are. They shall always maintain that they hate hypocrites. Wake up people- humans are hypocrites by nature whether consciously or unconsciously. I mean people say that they hate bitching, quoting people who bitch and criticizing them obviously not in front of them.
In short they would bitch about people who bitch, all along stating that they hate bitching.
I think it sort of works this way, we have a lot of tendencies and qualities that we are taught to be quite objectionable and inappropriate or immoral, right from the beginning of our lives...like talking behind others' back, but it remains that we are critical of others, but dont believe ourselves to be. Because we have been taught to feel ashamed of it. So we go on living blinded by the veil of superficial righteousness. Its just that it takes a lot more effort to see through things and see through ourselves.

Plus, there is this another group of individuals who embrace 'bitchiness'..
"I m a bitch and I love it" sorts...why dont I see anything 'cool' about that..

For a lot many years of my life, I had believed myself to be quite special, as in thinking that know one could feel about things as strongly as myself. Its a conceited feeling, of looking at others with disdain, smirking at the frivolous and shallow creatures who I thought could never understand the depth of an emotion I felt, the way I did. It was the sort of vanity that makes a whole lotta souls proclaim that they are very 'emotional' and 'sensitive'. It was all so hollow, like all basis of vanity is, most of the times. I thought myself exceptional in a way many people think themselves to be, turned out to be a common feeling...

I make me cringe at myself...for I ramble more and write less..
Sorry,if any of you guys end up with a feeling of having wasted minutes of your precious lives by reading this...That surely wasnt my intent..

A CLUTTERED SPACE INSIDE ME

2009-01-04T20:34:00.002+05:30

This comes from a story from the Indian scriptures, commenting on the way in which most of the people in the world live their lives -" They are born, and do some work in between eating times and die one day through disease or distress. Can't we do something better?"
The end of each and every passing day comes with the realization that I'm doing nothing better. I wonder if its only me or if everyone reels under this sense of discontentment or if they have discovered their ultimate source of contentment, or if they are living under the illusion of leading fulfilled lives or if its me who's living under the illusion of having a higher purpose to my existence which in reality doesn't exist, or if others were thinking about what they are doing at all...
Its the kind of feeling of having too many things going through my head- people, school, places, novels, movies, a million ideas, notions, which deprive me of even a moment of true silence.
I often wonder what I would have been if not exposed to these things, of what is the human mind like in its most basic and truest form, sans any prejudices, any influences; a mind that would know and learn through observation and experience...
I can only desire, without knowing how to achieve, a moment of clarity, a state of complete disillusionment...and this desire without knowing for sure if its not a fallacy that I seek..

No Title, again...

2008-11-16T21:20:00.003+05:30

I have been postponing this post for a long time now, had almost given up the idea of writing this...but since I can't get it out of my mind- here it goes.
The following is an excerpt from a conversation with our factory's landlord's family, a Jat family (no offence to the community and in no way this intends to generalise the community).
Enter their house. Greeted by the two bahus of the family. Father introduces them to us(for me and my mother, it was our first meeting with them). We settle down.Younger bahu leaves to get water and stuff. Then starts the conversation.

Elder bahu- "kaunsi class mein hai beti ?"

Mom- "baarahvi mein hai"

Elder bahu- "Achha, beta bada hai ya chhota hai ?"

Dad- "beta nahin hai"

Elder bahu (visibly astonished)- "beta nahin hai ?" (flaunting an expression that made me break into my most irreverent laugh ever)
I stifled my laughter with immense effort and I could somewhat sense the lady thinking ki "ek toh ek hi beti hai aur woh bhi batammeez !"

Dad(somewhat amused himself)- "hamara beta bhi yehi hai"

Elder bahu(with conspicuous pride)- "meri toh 3 ladkiyan hain aur 1 ladka hai"
the pride showing itself at the mention of the "1 ladka"

Father leaves. Enters the younger bahu.
Same conversation, asks which grade I study in. And then-

Younger bahu- "Aur ladka ?"

Momma- "Ladka nahin hai."

Younger bahu to the elder one in astonishment- "Inka ladka nahin hai !"

Momma- "hamare liye sab kuch yehi hai"

Younger bahu- "fir bhi ladka toh hona chahiye"

Then comes the most hilarious moment of the meeting.....when the younger bahu proceeds to ask-

"Ladka banaya nahin ya bana nahin ?"

Momma and I looked at each other, myself enjoying the amusement(with a kind of anger simmering in my mind as well) and momma, partially amused and partially embarrased.

Momma tries to say something, starts with a feeble "nahin..." and goes on to change the topic.

This was something that I shall not be able to forget.

By the way, this happened on Diwali, which reminds me of a certain question that has been bugging me for quite some time- What is the pleasure that one gets on hearing the disgusting sound of those detestable crackers ? I mean it beats all logic. How can noises as those produced by crackers be pleasing to one's senses ? And if they are not, why do some people choose to subject themselves and others to such torture ?

Getting back to the present,
What is one's state of mind after reading the plots and storylines of movies like 'Irreversible', 'The Last House on the Left', 'Nightmare on Elm street', 'Friday the 13th', 'Psycho' and about a guy called Ed Gein ?

Ask me- not pleasant, no...not at all..

NO TITLE

2008-10-08T21:44:00.003+05:30

Finally back to blogging after a long hiatus...have a lot of things about but can't seem to put it into writing..I m finally realising that I am perhaps not as good at expression and writing as I had made myself believe...I mean I never win any essay writing competitions even though I put in efforts. Faced the first group discussion in my life and spent the entire 10 minutes in trying to get over the shocking realisation that people can be so aggressive and so loud to get their points across to others. I never felt that dumb(literally) in my life.And we(they) hardly discussed any substantial points (in my opinion).Five minutes into it,I got so pissed off that I just decided to keep quiet and let them howl.
I really don't know but if the GDs that one has to face while getting screened for jobs are remotely similar to what I saw...its a hopeless future that I see...

Coming to how to deal with such situations and people in life..I really dont know how to...for I have in mind two equally convincing yet contradicting theories (or whatever it should be called)..The first is that one should try to adapt to the situations, have that go-getter kind of attitude and be as aggressive,vociferous and vehement as they are in their attitude because in the end, all that matters is that we get our points accross...I mean that we achieve our objective...Now I dont know if I can take to this but I can probably, if I try hard enough...

The second one is two stay as one is and not behave in a manner that seemed so offensive when one was at its receiving end. Personally the kind of behaviour was repulsive..and how can I behave in a manner that was so disgusting to me. This theory probably says that in the end, one's abilities and talent would speak for themselves...whatever is worthy of appreciation will ultimately shine through...

I dont know which one is right..or seems more right or which one works for me...in short..I just dont know..

The same way when it comes to studies...I mean to put aside all the grouses against the education system and study hard considering it to be my responsibility or to shun whatever I think is useless (somethings are)...

There's one side that says that one has to be clever, a glib talker, ambitious competitive and extrovertive to find success, any sort of success I mean, work and more importantly in relationships and dealings with people...and there is the other side that says that its the inner goodness that counts, that asks us to stick to our ideals(that usually comes from my mother and co.)

Its all so remarkably confusing !!!

Boooooooooookssss !!

2008-05-06T22:44:00.004+05:30

Next coming to the kind of books that I have read recently and the ones I have managed to finish and the many which I had to put down midway...
I didnt imagine that books could land me in such a glum, miserable mood that I am in these days...
I had been reading the diary of a young girl- Anne Frank...what an impact it has...one can almost feel the pain of her confinement...and more disturbing is when one gets to know how tragically did the lives of people so vividly described, of people who were at once hopeful and so alive, came to an end...none of them survived the War except Otto Frank, Anne's father...and the fact that she was so young...
And reading about the world war and the Holocaust inevitably brought back memories of Elie Wiesel's Night....the descriptions so vivid that one can so much feel the agony...one cannot escape the acute sense of tragedy that comes with it...and then to comment on the power of writing...how it makes things of the past appear so real...
And coming to the other ones that I read...The God of Small Things...I couldnt go on with that one...it evokes an almost pungent feeling...and the mood of these books...it holds me captive for much too long....
Then to Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca...I read the most of it with the last few chapters remaining...I cant get over the beautiful images of Manderley...I so much wish I could see it...the crimson building, the misty sea on one side, woods near,the fragrance of the azaleas...and more so about Rebecca...I cant forget the way the author describes Rebecca's handwriting...the elongated 'R'...and Rebecca - wonder what she looked like....and this is what a piece of fiction can do..
I started with Jane Eyre as well but I cant take one more caught in the darkness heroine or the feeling of the oppressive English society of that time...
The Fountainhead had already driven me crazy..I have already written enough about them...
And then coming to a few stories which I didnt actually read but went through the plot summaries on the internet...almost strange fascinating pieces of literature - "The metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka...."The Picture of Dorian Gray" Oscar Wilde....
A few references to something called "Udolphpo" and "The Monk" and in The Northanger Abbey and I gotta know about these Gothic mysteries...
And the most disgusting of all was to know about the origin of the word "sadism"- a decadent author called Marquis De Sade...absolutely disgusting...

Roses on my nose !!

2008-05-06T22:25:00.002+05:30

For once..I have loads to talk about..
Let me start with this latest outburst that my nose has been subjected to...it happened about a week ago and is refusing to die down...
I have been the subject of a number of jokes because of this....
My father has been leading the joking arena...what he says is something like this "kuch log toh apne naak par makhhi tak nahin baithne dete..(reference to my high headedness, he thinks i m like that)...tere naak par toh permanent makhhi baith gayi hai" and he bursts out laughing...
Another one comes from my school friend...who just on looking at me has to remark "rol, tere naak par dobara pimple ho gaya" ( hadd hai...as if i didnt know about it...
I guess only those who have gone through this understand the kind of atrocity that it is...and this one's huge...right in the center and the cause of all unwanted attention....actually like a fly...only that I wish it was a fly so that i could atleast swat it away...

I HATE MYSELF !!!

2008-02-04T14:08:00.000+05:30

There are some things in life which simply cannot be expressed in words......
Here comes one of them.....Today...at this moment, the degree of my disgust and anger cannot be expressed in words....any words from all the languages of this planet...and those of other planets and those of other universe...if they exist....are not equipped to express this intense emotion.....

I feel like killing myself today...cannot live with this malfunctioning brain grossly incapacitant to take decisions or make judgements.....like roaming around in markets with friends just because the whole world enjoys it....hell....I dont....
They dont like sitting at the home...I do....but wats wrong with me is that today..I tried...actually tried to do something which I dont like..because a couple of friends insisted that it was the fun thing to do.....and these couple of buddies who are like totally different persons from.....its a baneful life outside home...its so difficult to survive in a world where one does not have any companion....in the sense a friend who is at the same mental level that you are.....I m in a state of longing for friendship that has power to....i dunno wat....just that true friendship is not about having fun together...it should have the power to uplift....

I mean I associated myself with the wannabe category...the one which I have forever denounced.....I simply fail to understand people....especially those in my age group....they are so much the same...in their consistent desires and attempts to be different.....I mean its so insipid..so plain....there has got to be a dash of eccentricity...a little quirkiness....and such uniqueness that is not cultivated..but natural...unconscious and totally spontaneous.....its so hard to find all of this.....

It feels incredibly artificial...to have laughed at a million things which dont seem to remotely funny to me....why ?..because it was intended to be funny...and everyone laughs at senseless things...I hate myself for being tolerant towards funny/unfunny nonsense/jokes (you can choose either of the options depending on the kind of person you are)...and its not tolerance..(tolerance is a gud thing)...I hate myself for being party to this crap...

So call me boring..plain..dull....hate me..tease me...mock me...ostracise me....kill me....i cant say that I dont give a damn...coz unfortunately these things do matter....but nothing is more torturous than trying to be someone else (however hip,smart,cool the 'someone' might be)
And its worse if you succeed in being that someone...equivalent to killing a distinct personality you could have been...

Braces- I hate them

2007-06-21T13:06:00.000+05:30

What I thought was an appointment with the orthodontist before I got braces turned out to be the appointment with the orthodontist when I got braces.....

Now though it was due to my own insistence that i got them.....but I was prepared for it...

But now I feel awkward and ugly....and I hate it...I have lost my smile.....and I dread to go to skool this way.......I sort of know how my friends and all would react and I know how I should take that....but I am not sure of how I m gonna take it....

I conjecture that I am looking either ugly or stupid or funny or all the three..
Coming to ugly- I have never looked that good..so its ok, I think.
Stupid- I have always been stupid....only that its not so obvious to others..I think it should be fine if they realize that now.
Funny- I have never really been funny...and I should think that there is nothing wrong in making others laugh.

So I see, school should turn out just fine but its not fineee.....it definitely isnt..

Crazy thing called the internet.....

2007-06-16T18:00:00.000+05:30

The internet can really drive me crazy..

Sample this.....saw a few clips of the movie "Girl, interrupted." on Sony pix....since i cudnt catch the whole of it and memories of Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie still fresh in my mind...i decided to find more abt it and did so...but imdb recommended that i see "One flew over the cuckoo's nest" if i liked "girl,..". I had heard that One flew over was one of Jack Nicholson's best...and turned out that it was set in a mental institute just as the former movie.

Then while goin thru the same movie's spoilers on wikipedia.....comes a word called "lobotomy" and how i really hope that curiosity was not an attribute of the human mind.....it was a surgery that included destroying parts of the human brain to treat certain mental illnesses....it resulted in major personality changes and even mental retardation......

While going thru all of this i suddenly felt necessary to know more about Harper Lee's " To kill a Mockingbird" and it was another story that gives u that sinking feeling.....it rather reminds me how i choose to away from such realities simply coz its less troubling and a grave reminder that the world's not so kind to some...and i m not one of them....

A documentary on Charles Sobhraj and i m trying to find out more abt him only to find myself somewhat a little upset on finding it out....and then i m like searching for "the greatest crimes ever" and then i m not exactly happy on learning the about Jack the ripper murders in Victorian England and the holocaust....

And how abt music....listened to some old song abt "Rasputin, lover of the Russian queen" (was it by boney m or wat) and i had to know abt this so called evil monk which i did gradually........bringing me to the last generation of the romanov dynasty.....quite interesting to know that the purported heir to the throne was actually suffering from haemophilia an ailment not curable then...the tsar nicholas and his queen had to hide this fact from the kingdom and it was also the cause of the queen's dependency on Rasputin who called himself a monk but was actually a hedonist....things go that he cud somewat control the child's illness by hypnotism and how the last generation of the romanov dynasty was shot by the bolsheviks.....which wasnt exactly a happy ending and i was not too cheerful when i got to know about it either.....

Thanks to the internet i got to know that Indira Gandhi felt insecure amongst educated people -courtesy Khushwant Singh....it felt pretty nice to know that....
and i wudnt have ever known that the british rock band Queen's lead vocalist Freddie Mercury was actually Farrukh Balsara and how he tragically died of AIDS......neither wud i hav ever gotta know wat Gia Carangi actually looked like...

And another net research spree triggered by some mention of the indian witch Ipsita Roy Chakraborty( much before sacred evil came out)......about a cult called 'Wicca' (abt witches and magic and stuff)..now that was intriguing....and so was the story of a movie called White Oleander based on a book and starring Michelle Pfeiffer in the role of a woman who kills her lover with the poison of her favourite flower....

Coming back to music.....a pearl jam song called "jeremy"- caught my attention when i heard it on the radio......the song was apparently wrote after the suicide committed by a teenager called jeremy wade delle"( that happened before i was born).....the kid being depressed planted a pistol in his mouth and shot himself in front of his english class........i cant ever forget this......

All these things form a world from which i m totally untouched but which has had a profound impact on me....its a world beyond the limits of my imagination....and it leaves me dazed....because it is in fact a reality which i did not know if existed.....

The obsession continues....

2007-06-15T00:12:00.000+05:30

The Fountainhead

In continuation of the previous post……

Going ahead with the novel at the place where I had stopped….I have come to the conclusion that reading a novel doesn’t always mean that I have to believe it.

Firstly a look at Ayn Rand’s biography helps immensely in understanding her outlook. Her transition from the communist dictatorship of the soviet union to the capitalist land of America had a major influence on her thinking…as far as I can remember it was due to some rather unpleasant incidents during her days in the soviet union that made her develop a strong bitter disliking for socialism..and made her embrace capitalism. The sort of freedom made her believe that America was the fairest nations of all….

Secondly coming to the character of Howard Roark…his character was rather not human like…never in my not so long life have I heard of, seen or encountered who is so self-assured, who doesn’t ever feel insecure, who has not a trace of malice in his heart, who has no contempt having faced literal ostracism and denunciation from that very society. In her attempts to present her ideal man…, ayn rand, the very miss rand who had shunned religion and taken to atheism, in howard roark, has created a character that is so unworldly that it almost seems God like……in creating a man so heroic, she created a character that is not even human..

Next coming to the character of Ellsworth Toohey….who is basically lacking in genuine creativity or talent and so he cannot see anyone else rise above his mediocrity due to his desire for superiority. But the character is shown to be an extraordinary speaker…one who can sway the people with him…to me that counts for genuine skill. He had the ability to make people think the way he wanted them to….he had a remarkable influence but a lack of idealism…now the author has underestimated the power of words here. Ellsworth toohey uses words just as the author did in writing…

The author states that it was the lack of ideals that made toohey such a degraded being.
People in life acquire certain beliefs and notions, to which they remain strongly bound either by faith or reason, whichever they may choose. As a result, we are all rigid in our thinking and beliefs….I mean...the end we all think that we are right in believing or doing something….but the greatest contradiction is that a person with totally antagonistic views is just as much rigid about his views as we are….that person thinks with the same amount of certainty that he /she is right. So we cannot state that we are right in criticizing someone else’s views when the other’s belief is as strong as our own.....because we really don’t have a validation......and so as much the author would like us to believe that man’s ego is the fountainhead of progress.....I really don’t support the idea. How else can the author justify her thoughts and notions, her picture of an ideal man except that they are her beliefs which can vary from person to person.
Its amazing to see that how strongly she believes that her perception is so right and the contrary so wrong. Considering how she justifies man’s ego and if people start to think that way....every idiot who thinks himself a genius would go about thinking that the world is his. The author has failed to distinguish selfishness from ego and ego from self respect. A tremendous sense of self in a person or ego would in fact breed insecurity for it is then one would not be able to see someone rising above us......Someone with a deeper understanding would rather stay away from propounding any sort of idealism.......its already there in abundance....

So with due respect to the late author....I would not let this book make me question my life long beliefs ( I almost did).....guess, I am way too egotistical to yield to someone else’s philosophy....

( I really wished I hadn’t taken this book so seriously)

The Fountainhead Obsession

2007-06-14T23:40:00.000+05:30

THE FOUNTAINHEAD- a bestseller written by Ayn Rand

First published in 1943

I bought this book from the bookstore at the delhi airport because of one simple reason- i had read it in an interview, some bollywood actress had named this book as the one that changed her life. This book has had an effect that is inexplicable, the book celebrates Objectivism , exalts
and glorifies the individual ,the genius, the sheer power and ability of man to create and to experience joy in Creation.

I wont go into the details of the story , the plot etc. ( they can be read elsewhere). Its about an aspiring architect Howard Roark who stands for his ideals , defies all convention tradition, lives for himself, its about his love for architecture. His character is powerful one. The world doesnt exist for him. He refuses to compromise on his ideals , his ideals which are totally his own - neither preached nor necessarily approved by any book , tradition or human. His creations were not of any particular style, they were not what had been taught to him ( studied at stanton architecture institute from where he was expelled for not following what had been pronounced as the greatest, for trying to surpass what was considered to be sacred). His creations in the author’s words " were simply howard roark".

He was simply himself, not what people expected him to be or wanted him to be. And he was not different just for the sake of being different, he was that way simply because it was HIM - and it was his love for creation , for building, his brilliant mind that he was a genius. He lived not to desire success, not to gain acceptance from others, not for money, but for his love for building and that made him happy ,satisfied. Roark’s love interest is Dominique Francon ( the perfect woman for Roark) who marries Peter Keating (Roark’s antithesis). Another important character is Ellsworth Toohey (who is the villain) who does not want the world to rise above mediocrity beacuse he has not been able to rise above his own.

The book celebrates rationalism, that there is a purpose for everything, it celebrates man’s power. It emphasises on the need of honesty and sincerity , to break away from the false lives we are leading. This book is an inspiring one- but it is against what I have thought was right all my life, the idea of objectivism is much too radical and at times ,it seems to border on selfishness.

The danger posed by reading such books is that one actually starts believing in what has been written, it seems to be too convincing. In the end this book leaves my mind thoughtful and muddled- to believe what i have believed for most of my life or to approve of the notion that "human ego is the fountainhead of progress".

Seems like the book that propagates individuality has taken away that very individuality from me- Because now I dont know which school of thought I stand for.