Saturday, December 28, 2013
For a while
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
I know what you are looking for..
What you look for in noise and things
What you look for in the colour and motion
I found it...in her..
Her eyes had a life of their own
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Transition...
Again back to blogging after a good 8 months....
Stopped blogging because of this really eerie feeling, because all my blogs invariably talked about some confusion plaguing my mind, and that wasnt really my intent.
And for some reason, putting one's thoughts in words on something as public as this makes them seem quite shallow,that's not to say that I am not going to do that again.
Because thats all that I m made up of-thoughts, notions, theories and philosophies. As in I dont have much drama in life, no venomous spats with friends, no fights or flings...nothing to write of in my status updates...ostensibly nothing..
Not that I m complaining, because of all my friends who have an awesome life in college, who had a hell of a time at some newly opened hep hangout zone, or who just patched/broke up with their latest girl/boyfriend or all those adults who have a successful, sorted out life but are sore somewhat--no one really knows what they are doing...neither do I..
I am in college now, pursuing economics hons..but for some reason which eludes all logical reasoning, they are making us study hindi as well and also environmental studies in which they talk about history. Humans sure do derive some sadistic pleasure in making each other's lives complicated and difficult.
Anyways, its been a fairly smooth transition to college, got a cool bunch of friends. But its really nothing like what I had in mind, its not as cool as it is usually projected, but better than school atleast.
People are people, wherever they are, however much old or young they are. They shall always maintain that they hate hypocrites. Wake up people- humans are hypocrites by nature whether consciously or unconsciously. I mean people say that they hate bitching, quoting people who bitch and criticizing them obviously not in front of them.
In short they would bitch about people who bitch, all along stating that they hate bitching.
I think it sort of works this way, we have a lot of tendencies and qualities that we are taught to be quite objectionable and inappropriate or immoral, right from the beginning of our lives...like talking behind others' back, but it remains that we are critical of others, but dont believe ourselves to be. Because we have been taught to feel ashamed of it. So we go on living blinded by the veil of superficial righteousness. Its just that it takes a lot more effort to see through things and see through ourselves.
Plus, there is this another group of individuals who embrace 'bitchiness'..
"I m a bitch and I love it" sorts...why dont I see anything 'cool' about that..
For a lot many years of my life, I had believed myself to be quite special, as in thinking that know one could feel about things as strongly as myself. Its a conceited feeling, of looking at others with disdain, smirking at the frivolous and shallow creatures who I thought could never understand the depth of an emotion I felt, the way I did. It was the sort of vanity that makes a whole lotta souls proclaim that they are very 'emotional' and 'sensitive'. It was all so hollow, like all basis of vanity is, most of the times. I thought myself exceptional in a way many people think themselves to be, turned out to be a common feeling...
I make me cringe at myself...for I ramble more and write less..
Sorry,if any of you guys end up with a feeling of having wasted minutes of your precious lives by reading this...That surely wasnt my intent..
Stopped blogging because of this really eerie feeling, because all my blogs invariably talked about some confusion plaguing my mind, and that wasnt really my intent.
And for some reason, putting one's thoughts in words on something as public as this makes them seem quite shallow,that's not to say that I am not going to do that again.
Because thats all that I m made up of-thoughts, notions, theories and philosophies. As in I dont have much drama in life, no venomous spats with friends, no fights or flings...nothing to write of in my status updates...ostensibly nothing..
Not that I m complaining, because of all my friends who have an awesome life in college, who had a hell of a time at some newly opened hep hangout zone, or who just patched/broke up with their latest girl/boyfriend or all those adults who have a successful, sorted out life but are sore somewhat--no one really knows what they are doing...neither do I..
I am in college now, pursuing economics hons..but for some reason which eludes all logical reasoning, they are making us study hindi as well and also environmental studies in which they talk about history. Humans sure do derive some sadistic pleasure in making each other's lives complicated and difficult.
Anyways, its been a fairly smooth transition to college, got a cool bunch of friends. But its really nothing like what I had in mind, its not as cool as it is usually projected, but better than school atleast.
People are people, wherever they are, however much old or young they are. They shall always maintain that they hate hypocrites. Wake up people- humans are hypocrites by nature whether consciously or unconsciously. I mean people say that they hate bitching, quoting people who bitch and criticizing them obviously not in front of them.
In short they would bitch about people who bitch, all along stating that they hate bitching.
I think it sort of works this way, we have a lot of tendencies and qualities that we are taught to be quite objectionable and inappropriate or immoral, right from the beginning of our lives...like talking behind others' back, but it remains that we are critical of others, but dont believe ourselves to be. Because we have been taught to feel ashamed of it. So we go on living blinded by the veil of superficial righteousness. Its just that it takes a lot more effort to see through things and see through ourselves.
Plus, there is this another group of individuals who embrace 'bitchiness'..
"I m a bitch and I love it" sorts...why dont I see anything 'cool' about that..
For a lot many years of my life, I had believed myself to be quite special, as in thinking that know one could feel about things as strongly as myself. Its a conceited feeling, of looking at others with disdain, smirking at the frivolous and shallow creatures who I thought could never understand the depth of an emotion I felt, the way I did. It was the sort of vanity that makes a whole lotta souls proclaim that they are very 'emotional' and 'sensitive'. It was all so hollow, like all basis of vanity is, most of the times. I thought myself exceptional in a way many people think themselves to be, turned out to be a common feeling...
I make me cringe at myself...for I ramble more and write less..
Sorry,if any of you guys end up with a feeling of having wasted minutes of your precious lives by reading this...That surely wasnt my intent..
Sunday, January 4, 2009
A CLUTTERED SPACE INSIDE ME
This comes from a story from the Indian scriptures, commenting on the way in which most of the people in the world live their lives -" They are born, and do some work in between eating times and die one day through disease or distress. Can't we do something better?"
The end of each and every passing day comes with the realization that I'm doing nothing better. I wonder if its only me or if everyone reels under this sense of discontentment or if they have discovered their ultimate source of contentment, or if they are living under the illusion of leading fulfilled lives or if its me who's living under the illusion of having a higher purpose to my existence which in reality doesn't exist, or if others were thinking about what they are doing at all...
Its the kind of feeling of having too many things going through my head- people, school, places, novels, movies, a million ideas, notions, which deprive me of even a moment of true silence.
I often wonder what I would have been if not exposed to these things, of what is the human mind like in its most basic and truest form, sans any prejudices, any influences; a mind that would know and learn through observation and experience...
I can only desire, without knowing how to achieve, a moment of clarity, a state of complete disillusionment...and this desire without knowing for sure if its not a fallacy that I seek..
The end of each and every passing day comes with the realization that I'm doing nothing better. I wonder if its only me or if everyone reels under this sense of discontentment or if they have discovered their ultimate source of contentment, or if they are living under the illusion of leading fulfilled lives or if its me who's living under the illusion of having a higher purpose to my existence which in reality doesn't exist, or if others were thinking about what they are doing at all...
Its the kind of feeling of having too many things going through my head- people, school, places, novels, movies, a million ideas, notions, which deprive me of even a moment of true silence.
I often wonder what I would have been if not exposed to these things, of what is the human mind like in its most basic and truest form, sans any prejudices, any influences; a mind that would know and learn through observation and experience...
I can only desire, without knowing how to achieve, a moment of clarity, a state of complete disillusionment...and this desire without knowing for sure if its not a fallacy that I seek..
Sunday, November 16, 2008
No Title, again...
I have been postponing this post for a long time now, had almost given up the idea of writing this...but since I can't get it out of my mind- here it goes.
The following is an excerpt from a conversation with our factory's landlord's family, a Jat family (no offence to the community and in no way this intends to generalise the community).
Enter their house. Greeted by the two bahus of the family. Father introduces them to us(for me and my mother, it was our first meeting with them). We settle down.Younger bahu leaves to get water and stuff. Then starts the conversation.
Elder bahu- "kaunsi class mein hai beti ?"
Mom- "baarahvi mein hai"
Elder bahu- "Achha, beta bada hai ya chhota hai ?"
Dad- "beta nahin hai"
Elder bahu (visibly astonished)- "beta nahin hai ?" (flaunting an expression that made me break into my most irreverent laugh ever)
I stifled my laughter with immense effort and I could somewhat sense the lady thinking ki "ek toh ek hi beti hai aur woh bhi batammeez !"
Dad(somewhat amused himself)- "hamara beta bhi yehi hai"
Elder bahu(with conspicuous pride)- "meri toh 3 ladkiyan hain aur 1 ladka hai"
the pride showing itself at the mention of the "1 ladka"
Father leaves. Enters the younger bahu.
Same conversation, asks which grade I study in. And then-
Younger bahu- "Aur ladka ?"
Momma- "Ladka nahin hai."
Younger bahu to the elder one in astonishment- "Inka ladka nahin hai !"
Momma- "hamare liye sab kuch yehi hai"
Younger bahu- "fir bhi ladka toh hona chahiye"
Then comes the most hilarious moment of the meeting.....when the younger bahu proceeds to ask-
"Ladka banaya nahin ya bana nahin ?"
Momma and I looked at each other, myself enjoying the amusement(with a kind of anger simmering in my mind as well) and momma, partially amused and partially embarrased.
Momma tries to say something, starts with a feeble "nahin..." and goes on to change the topic.
This was something that I shall not be able to forget.
By the way, this happened on Diwali, which reminds me of a certain question that has been bugging me for quite some time- What is the pleasure that one gets on hearing the disgusting sound of those detestable crackers ? I mean it beats all logic. How can noises as those produced by crackers be pleasing to one's senses ? And if they are not, why do some people choose to subject themselves and others to such torture ?
Getting back to the present,
What is one's state of mind after reading the plots and storylines of movies like 'Irreversible', 'The Last House on the Left', 'Nightmare on Elm street', 'Friday the 13th', 'Psycho' and about a guy called Ed Gein ?
Ask me- not pleasant, no...not at all..
The following is an excerpt from a conversation with our factory's landlord's family, a Jat family (no offence to the community and in no way this intends to generalise the community).
Enter their house. Greeted by the two bahus of the family. Father introduces them to us(for me and my mother, it was our first meeting with them). We settle down.Younger bahu leaves to get water and stuff. Then starts the conversation.
Elder bahu- "kaunsi class mein hai beti ?"
Mom- "baarahvi mein hai"
Elder bahu- "Achha, beta bada hai ya chhota hai ?"
Dad- "beta nahin hai"
Elder bahu (visibly astonished)- "beta nahin hai ?" (flaunting an expression that made me break into my most irreverent laugh ever)
I stifled my laughter with immense effort and I could somewhat sense the lady thinking ki "ek toh ek hi beti hai aur woh bhi batammeez !"
Dad(somewhat amused himself)- "hamara beta bhi yehi hai"
Elder bahu(with conspicuous pride)- "meri toh 3 ladkiyan hain aur 1 ladka hai"
the pride showing itself at the mention of the "1 ladka"
Father leaves. Enters the younger bahu.
Same conversation, asks which grade I study in. And then-
Younger bahu- "Aur ladka ?"
Momma- "Ladka nahin hai."
Younger bahu to the elder one in astonishment- "Inka ladka nahin hai !"
Momma- "hamare liye sab kuch yehi hai"
Younger bahu- "fir bhi ladka toh hona chahiye"
Then comes the most hilarious moment of the meeting.....when the younger bahu proceeds to ask-
"Ladka banaya nahin ya bana nahin ?"
Momma and I looked at each other, myself enjoying the amusement(with a kind of anger simmering in my mind as well) and momma, partially amused and partially embarrased.
Momma tries to say something, starts with a feeble "nahin..." and goes on to change the topic.
This was something that I shall not be able to forget.
By the way, this happened on Diwali, which reminds me of a certain question that has been bugging me for quite some time- What is the pleasure that one gets on hearing the disgusting sound of those detestable crackers ? I mean it beats all logic. How can noises as those produced by crackers be pleasing to one's senses ? And if they are not, why do some people choose to subject themselves and others to such torture ?
Getting back to the present,
What is one's state of mind after reading the plots and storylines of movies like 'Irreversible', 'The Last House on the Left', 'Nightmare on Elm street', 'Friday the 13th', 'Psycho' and about a guy called Ed Gein ?
Ask me- not pleasant, no...not at all..
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
NO TITLE
Finally back to blogging after a long hiatus...have a lot of things about but can't seem to put it into writing..I m finally realising that I am perhaps not as good at expression and writing as I had made myself believe...I mean I never win any essay writing competitions even though I put in efforts. Faced the first group discussion in my life and spent the entire 10 minutes in trying to get over the shocking realisation that people can be so aggressive and so loud to get their points across to others. I never felt that dumb(literally) in my life.And we(they) hardly discussed any substantial points (in my opinion).Five minutes into it,I got so pissed off that I just decided to keep quiet and let them howl.
I really don't know but if the GDs that one has to face while getting screened for jobs are remotely similar to what I saw...its a hopeless future that I see...
Coming to how to deal with such situations and people in life..I really dont know how to...for I have in mind two equally convincing yet contradicting theories (or whatever it should be called)..The first is that one should try to adapt to the situations, have that go-getter kind of attitude and be as aggressive,vociferous and vehement as they are in their attitude because in the end, all that matters is that we get our points accross...I mean that we achieve our objective...Now I dont know if I can take to this but I can probably, if I try hard enough...
The second one is two stay as one is and not behave in a manner that seemed so offensive when one was at its receiving end. Personally the kind of behaviour was repulsive..and how can I behave in a manner that was so disgusting to me. This theory probably says that in the end, one's abilities and talent would speak for themselves...whatever is worthy of appreciation will ultimately shine through...
I dont know which one is right..or seems more right or which one works for me...in short..I just dont know..
The same way when it comes to studies...I mean to put aside all the grouses against the education system and study hard considering it to be my responsibility or to shun whatever I think is useless (somethings are)...
There's one side that says that one has to be clever, a glib talker, ambitious competitive and extrovertive to find success, any sort of success I mean, work and more importantly in relationships and dealings with people...and there is the other side that says that its the inner goodness that counts, that asks us to stick to our ideals(that usually comes from my mother and co.)
Its all so remarkably confusing !!!
I really don't know but if the GDs that one has to face while getting screened for jobs are remotely similar to what I saw...its a hopeless future that I see...
Coming to how to deal with such situations and people in life..I really dont know how to...for I have in mind two equally convincing yet contradicting theories (or whatever it should be called)..The first is that one should try to adapt to the situations, have that go-getter kind of attitude and be as aggressive,vociferous and vehement as they are in their attitude because in the end, all that matters is that we get our points accross...I mean that we achieve our objective...Now I dont know if I can take to this but I can probably, if I try hard enough...
The second one is two stay as one is and not behave in a manner that seemed so offensive when one was at its receiving end. Personally the kind of behaviour was repulsive..and how can I behave in a manner that was so disgusting to me. This theory probably says that in the end, one's abilities and talent would speak for themselves...whatever is worthy of appreciation will ultimately shine through...
I dont know which one is right..or seems more right or which one works for me...in short..I just dont know..
The same way when it comes to studies...I mean to put aside all the grouses against the education system and study hard considering it to be my responsibility or to shun whatever I think is useless (somethings are)...
There's one side that says that one has to be clever, a glib talker, ambitious competitive and extrovertive to find success, any sort of success I mean, work and more importantly in relationships and dealings with people...and there is the other side that says that its the inner goodness that counts, that asks us to stick to our ideals(that usually comes from my mother and co.)
Its all so remarkably confusing !!!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Boooooooooookssss !!
Next coming to the kind of books that I have read recently and the ones I have managed to finish and the many which I had to put down midway...
I didnt imagine that books could land me in such a glum, miserable mood that I am in these days...
I had been reading the diary of a young girl- Anne Frank...what an impact it has...one can almost feel the pain of her confinement...and more disturbing is when one gets to know how tragically did the lives of people so vividly described, of people who were at once hopeful and so alive, came to an end...none of them survived the War except Otto Frank, Anne's father...and the fact that she was so young...
And reading about the world war and the Holocaust inevitably brought back memories of Elie Wiesel's Night....the descriptions so vivid that one can so much feel the agony...one cannot escape the acute sense of tragedy that comes with it...and then to comment on the power of writing...how it makes things of the past appear so real...
And coming to the other ones that I read...The God of Small Things...I couldnt go on with that one...it evokes an almost pungent feeling...and the mood of these books...it holds me captive for much too long....
Then to Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca...I read the most of it with the last few chapters remaining...I cant get over the beautiful images of Manderley...I so much wish I could see it...the crimson building, the misty sea on one side, woods near,the fragrance of the azaleas...and more so about Rebecca...I cant forget the way the author describes Rebecca's handwriting...the elongated 'R'...and Rebecca - wonder what she looked like....and this is what a piece of fiction can do..
I started with Jane Eyre as well but I cant take one more caught in the darkness heroine or the feeling of the oppressive English society of that time...
The Fountainhead had already driven me crazy..I have already written enough about them...
And then coming to a few stories which I didnt actually read but went through the plot summaries on the internet...almost strange fascinating pieces of literature - "The metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka...."The Picture of Dorian Gray" Oscar Wilde....
A few references to something called "Udolphpo" and "The Monk" and in The Northanger Abbey and I gotta know about these Gothic mysteries...
And the most disgusting of all was to know about the origin of the word "sadism"- a decadent author called Marquis De Sade...absolutely disgusting...
I didnt imagine that books could land me in such a glum, miserable mood that I am in these days...
I had been reading the diary of a young girl- Anne Frank...what an impact it has...one can almost feel the pain of her confinement...and more disturbing is when one gets to know how tragically did the lives of people so vividly described, of people who were at once hopeful and so alive, came to an end...none of them survived the War except Otto Frank, Anne's father...and the fact that she was so young...
And reading about the world war and the Holocaust inevitably brought back memories of Elie Wiesel's Night....the descriptions so vivid that one can so much feel the agony...one cannot escape the acute sense of tragedy that comes with it...and then to comment on the power of writing...how it makes things of the past appear so real...
And coming to the other ones that I read...The God of Small Things...I couldnt go on with that one...it evokes an almost pungent feeling...and the mood of these books...it holds me captive for much too long....
Then to Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca...I read the most of it with the last few chapters remaining...I cant get over the beautiful images of Manderley...I so much wish I could see it...the crimson building, the misty sea on one side, woods near,the fragrance of the azaleas...and more so about Rebecca...I cant forget the way the author describes Rebecca's handwriting...the elongated 'R'...and Rebecca - wonder what she looked like....and this is what a piece of fiction can do..
I started with Jane Eyre as well but I cant take one more caught in the darkness heroine or the feeling of the oppressive English society of that time...
The Fountainhead had already driven me crazy..I have already written enough about them...
And then coming to a few stories which I didnt actually read but went through the plot summaries on the internet...almost strange fascinating pieces of literature - "The metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka...."The Picture of Dorian Gray" Oscar Wilde....
A few references to something called "Udolphpo" and "The Monk" and in The Northanger Abbey and I gotta know about these Gothic mysteries...
And the most disgusting of all was to know about the origin of the word "sadism"- a decadent author called Marquis De Sade...absolutely disgusting...
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